I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.