Texts From Last Night

on_the_clock's Favorites Texts:

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  (309): View more from Illinois

  It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.

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  (309): It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change. http://tfl.nu/p0m1
  Replies (14) Good night (835) Bad night (693)
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  (228): View more from Mississippi

  We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver

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  (228): We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver http://tfl.nu/kd5u
  Replies (4) Good night (1475) Bad night (282) Order T-Shirt
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.

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  (918): Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE. http://tfl.nu/pg7d
  Replies (7) Good night (970) Bad night (208) Order T-Shirt
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  (914): View more from New York

  Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"

  (1-914): View more from New York

  New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak

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  (914): Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits" (1-914): New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak http://tfl.nu/prur
  Replies (8) Good night (1046) Bad night (213)
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.

  (1-309): View more from Illinois

  I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.

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  (309): Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment. (1-309): I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college. http://tfl.nu/zbsh
  Replies (7) Good night (1057) Bad night (421)
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale

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  (304): I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale http://tfl.nu/3k6s
  Replies (7) Good night (1688) Bad night (347) Order T-Shirt
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  (818): View more from California

  Hahah what did you even say to him?!

  (805): View more from California

  That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?

  (818): View more from California

  Oh.

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  (818): Hahah what did you even say to him?! (805): That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower? (818): Oh. http://tfl.nu/lvu0
  Replies (3) Good night (856) Bad night (367)
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  (940): View more from Texas

  I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.

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  (940): I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him. http://tfl.nu/9uqa
  Replies (15) Good night (1955) Bad night (662)
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.

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  (785): Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective. http://tfl.nu/28pg
  Replies (13) Good night (404) Bad night (618) Order T-Shirt
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.

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  (603): I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him. http://tfl.nu/nzef
  Replies (5) Good night (1016) Bad night (973) Order T-Shirt
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.

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  (613): You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you. http://tfl.nu/xki1
  Replies (6) Good night (1657) Bad night (586) Order T-Shirt
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex

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  (757): You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex http://tfl.nu/b8jn
  Replies (7) Good night (1058) Bad night (342) Order T-Shirt
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  (206): View more from Washington

  I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...

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  (206): I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him... http://tfl.nu/o74a
  Replies (6) Good night (756) Bad night (368) Order T-Shirt
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  It's a good cause. For your vagina.

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  (603): It's a good cause. For your vagina. http://tfl.nu/54ey
  Replies (5) Good night (885) Bad night (689) Order T-Shirt
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny

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  (203): Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny http://tfl.nu/4qb9
  Replies (9) Good night (3779) Bad night (667) Order T-Shirt
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  (253): View more from Washington

  Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex

  (206): View more from Washington

  Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy

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  (253): Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex (206): Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy http://tfl.nu/0aky
  Replies (16) Good night (2491) Bad night (744)
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  (631): View more from New York

  His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE

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  (631): His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE http://tfl.nu/8spd
  Replies (17) Good night (767) Bad night (1743) Order T-Shirt
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.

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  (870): I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that. http://tfl.nu/0bow
  Replies (21) Good night (590) Bad night (1016) Order T-Shirt
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.

  (303): View more from Colorado

  Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.

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  (+44): Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world. (303): Welcome to America. You're gonna love it. http://tfl.nu/yt2w
  Replies (13) Good night (2737) Bad night (340)
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...

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  (314): I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college... http://tfl.nu/a15y
  Replies (23) Good night (11638) Bad night (1188) Order T-Shirt
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  (214): View more from Texas

  What do you think it is?

  (615): View more from Tennessee

  It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.

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  (214): What do you think it is? (615): It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow. http://tfl.nu/3ng4
  Replies (12) Good night (4874) Bad night (1440)
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.

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  (502): Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat. http://tfl.nu/hdie
  Replies (16) Good night (5582) Bad night (1122) Order T-Shirt
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.

  (704): View more from North Carolina

  Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!

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  (704): To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast. (704): Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger! http://tfl.nu/sya3
  Replies (8) Good night (1266) Bad night (494)
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  (239): View more from Florida

  Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.

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  (239): Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest. http://tfl.nu/uwa9
  Replies (10) Good night (1347) Bad night (387)
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  (940): View more from Texas

  I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast

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  (940): I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast http://tfl.nu/pow4
  Replies (4) Good night (1172) Bad night (354) Order T-Shirt
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.

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  (978): I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground. http://tfl.nu/oy4l
  Replies (5) Good night (1536) Bad night (527) Order T-Shirt
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.

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  (250): I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk. http://tfl.nu/fti6
  Replies (9) Good night (2870) Bad night (722) Order T-Shirt
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.

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  (570): Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied. http://tfl.nu/2f2b
  Replies (12) Good night (2488) Bad night (511) Order T-Shirt
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  (954): View more from Florida

  threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.

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  (954): threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start. http://tfl.nu/r0t4
  Replies (5) Good night (791) Bad night (353) Order T-Shirt
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.

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  (773): Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days. http://tfl.nu/hblx
  Replies (6) Good night (1004) Bad night (395) Order T-Shirt
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  (817): View more from Texas

  I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.

  (972): View more from Texas

  Wine is not your friend.

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  (817): I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories. (972): Wine is not your friend. http://tfl.nu/ofhm
  Replies (6) Good night (512) Bad night (1279)
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  (210): View more from Texas

  I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.

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  (210): I want to break his glasses with my pelvis. http://tfl.nu/5x22
  Replies (10) Good night (1808) Bad night (379) Order T-Shirt
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  (941): View more from Florida

  I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off

  (1-941): View more from Florida

  Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS

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  (941): I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off (1-941): Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS http://tfl.nu/yudy
  Replies (6) Good night (1201) Bad night (437)
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  (206): View more from Washington

  Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.

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  (206): Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea. http://tfl.nu/pnkf
  Replies (4) Good night (1894) Bad night (380) Order T-Shirt
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.

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  (662): Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though. http://tfl.nu/ai8a
  Replies (7) Good night (1284) Bad night (546)
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.

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  (208): so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate. http://tfl.nu/25ho
  Replies (17) Good night (4647) Bad night (606) Order T-Shirt
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?

  (404): View more from Georgia

  Things like this can't be explained over text man

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  (678): Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning? (404): Things like this can't be explained over text man http://tfl.nu/zzxh
  Replies (22) Good night (4243) Bad night (1006)
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.

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  (630): I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode. http://tfl.nu/h8l8
  Replies (11) Good night (2869) Bad night (525)
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  (559): View more from California

  she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.

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  (559): she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer. http://tfl.nu/y0m8
  Replies (8) Good night (785) Bad night (1877)
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.

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  (313): I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer. http://tfl.nu/dqld
  Replies (19) Good night (1346) Bad night (616)
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.

  (662): View more from Mississippi

  Challenge accepted. See you in hell.

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  (662): Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month. (662): Challenge accepted. See you in hell. http://tfl.nu/tj98
  Replies (28) Good night (6936) Bad night (773)
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina

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  (920): Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina http://tfl.nu/ae28
  Replies (10) Good night (2765) Bad night (541) Order T-Shirt
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.

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  (919): Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy. http://tfl.nu/xqei
  Replies (11) Good night (3427) Bad night (566)
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.

  (1-479): View more from Arkansas

  How have you survived this long?

  (479): View more from Arkansas

  Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.

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  (479): Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever. (1-479): How have you survived this long? (479): Dumb luck and a deal with the devil. http://tfl.nu/0es8
  Replies (9) Good night (3085) Bad night (720)
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"

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  (630): i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four" http://tfl.nu/s544
  Replies (13) Good night (646) Bad night (2305) Order T-Shirt
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  (631): View more from New York

  The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.

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  (631): The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason. http://tfl.nu/mydy
  Replies (10) Good night (2786) Bad night (1361)
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  (254): View more from Texas

  There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator

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  (254): There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator http://tfl.nu/goje
  Replies (18) Good night (2394) Bad night (1377) Order T-Shirt
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals

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  (770): Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals http://tfl.nu/cikb
  Replies (17) Good night (1611) Bad night (719) Order T-Shirt
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  (206): View more from Washington

  Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)

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  (206): Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :) http://tfl.nu/j8zz
  Replies (20) Good night (3730) Bad night (560)
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.

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  (503): I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too. http://tfl.nu/alyx
  Replies (5) Good night (2199) Bad night (467)
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.

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  (519): You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month. http://tfl.nu/3065
  Replies (9) Good night (1981) Bad night (553)
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.

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  (570): Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it. http://tfl.nu/ahvg
  Replies (7) Good night (2741) Bad night (869) Order T-Shirt
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  (352): View more from Florida

  i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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  (352): i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE http://tfl.nu/5phb
  Replies (184) Good night (51551) Bad night (2260)
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  Pants 0. Shit 1.

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  (269): Pants 0. Shit 1. http://tfl.nu/y752
  Replies (8) Good night (732) Bad night (3139) Order T-Shirt
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels

  (1-603): View more from New Hampshire

  Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know

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  (603): Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels (1-603) Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know http://tfl.nu/7nn4
  Replies (33) Good night (2857) Bad night (584) Order T-Shirt
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.

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  (662): As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom. http://tfl.nu/d15a
  Replies (15) Good night (2174) Bad night (725)
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa

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  (401): I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa http://tfl.nu/56cb
  Replies (23) Good night (7214) Bad night (895) Order T-Shirt