Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.