i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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