i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."