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A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
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