The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."