Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
She is in my trunk
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.