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Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
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