i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.