i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Your penis caused this!
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
