I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
if only i could text you this smell
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.