In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.