I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
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