I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
Its about making memories worth repressing
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.