I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
her vagine was all disorganized.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love