im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him