he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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