If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
Pick me up at 9.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.