I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Michael Bay diarrhea
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Acid is not a monday night drug
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"