Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
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dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
25 Cringeworthy Below the Pants Injuries
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
Intervention is following me on twitter.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.