So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
10+ Incredible Tumblr Stories That Will Leave You Shook
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Kelly, is this rhetorical, or sarcastic? You are very kind & quite beautiful, but we never really evolved into anything & your prevailing ambivalence spoke more than words ever could.
"We" really do not exist-if we ever did. Both of us may have been hoping for more than was possible.
I would enjoy sitting down to talk about the dissolution, but think it may end up being counter productive.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?