She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
