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She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
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