let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
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His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
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For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count