I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
