Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Dating After Heartbreak
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
a bad idea.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more