There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.