I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
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I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here