my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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