So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"