work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
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Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
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You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.