Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
People With No Siblings Will Never Understand These 23 Things
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
25 Seemingly Normal Things That Give Some People Massive Anxiety
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
You can't motorboat a personality
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
You're right, stupid question.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10