Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...