Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.