ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.