Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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