hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
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Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
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We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.