yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
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There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
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I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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