Texts From Last Night

medic443's Favorites Texts:

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  (317): View more from Indiana

  i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex

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  (317): i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex http://tfl.nu/eh60
  Replies (16) Good night (5310) Bad night (742) Order T-Shirt
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.

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  (757): I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it. http://tfl.nu/uqxt
  Replies (13) Good night (9074) Bad night (1402) Order T-Shirt
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury

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  (248): he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury http://tfl.nu/93f6
  Replies (88) Good night (5254) Bad night (1079) Order T-Shirt
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.

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  (313): I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures. http://tfl.nu/7qyy
  Replies (91) Good night (1016) Bad night (11453) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever

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  (303): Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever http://tfl.nu/gvxq
  Replies (21) Good night (9982) Bad night (1541) Order T-Shirt
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up

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  (773): once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up http://tfl.nu/esy3
  Replies (5) Good night (2390) Bad night (409) Order T-Shirt
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  (360): View more from Washington

  Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.

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  (360): Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY. http://tfl.nu/nqby
  Replies (30) Good night (1399) Bad night (7055) Order T-Shirt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.

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  (617): That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head. http://tfl.nu/g2zg
  Replies (19) Good night (625) Bad night (4237) Order T-Shirt
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.

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  (330): You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test. http://tfl.nu/znwq
  Replies (4) Good night (4677) Bad night (721) Order T-Shirt
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.

  (416): View more from Toronto

  Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!

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  (519): Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit. (416): Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?! http://tfl.nu/iavy
  Replies (39) Good night (9763) Bad night (857)
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  (585): View more from New York

  You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.

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  (585): You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you. http://tfl.nu/pv3c
  Replies (9) Good night (7105) Bad night (664) Order T-Shirt
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?

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  (313): There's a paramedic out here, what have you done? http://tfl.nu/vsi3
  Replies (3) Good night (2546) Bad night (656) Order T-Shirt
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  no pressure.

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  (856): he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him. (215): no pressure. http://tfl.nu/wyu7
  Replies (12) Good night (4123) Bad night (620)
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  (360): View more from Washington

  Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.

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  (360): Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe. http://tfl.nu/jop2
  Replies (23) Good night (6273) Bad night (595) Order T-Shirt
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  (409): View more from Texas

  The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.

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  (409): The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens. http://tfl.nu/kai5
  Replies (44) Good night (3321) Bad night (624) Order T-Shirt
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.

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  (208): why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never. http://tfl.nu/g58g
  Replies (27) Good night (8403) Bad night (942) Order T-Shirt
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  (214): View more from Texas

  My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.

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  (214): My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight. http://tfl.nu/3ozf
  Replies (53) Good night (9368) Bad night (1070) Order T-Shirt
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  (+31): View more from The Netherlands

  I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.

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  (+31): I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew. http://tfl.nu/u42t
  Replies (14) Good night (2742) Bad night (972)
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  (865): View more from Tennessee

  He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears

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  (865): He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears http://tfl.nu/nyec
  Replies (28) Good night (962) Bad night (7988) Order T-Shirt
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.

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  (540): my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited. http://tfl.nu/8ftm
  Replies (26) Good night (15547) Bad night (692) Order T-Shirt
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on

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  (570): i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on http://tfl.nu/lrwn
  Replies (4) Good night (3028) Bad night (756) Order T-Shirt
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  (512): View more from Texas

  And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'

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  (512): And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.' http://tfl.nu/l1oz
  Replies (18) Good night (391) Bad night (3004) Order T-Shirt
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  (707): View more from California

  I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.

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  (707): I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it. http://tfl.nu/727e
  Replies (26) Good night (1115) Bad night (4445)
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  (323): View more from California

  i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.

  (818): View more from California

  she hot?

  (323): View more from California

  i don't wanna talk about it

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  (323): i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car. (818): she hot? (323): i don't wanna talk about it http://tfl.nu/ojc9
  Replies (6) Good night (390) Bad night (1332)
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  (707): View more from California

  You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?

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  (707): You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis? http://tfl.nu/earc
  Replies (7) Good night (1918) Bad night (369) Order T-Shirt
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  (562): View more from California

  you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.

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  (562): you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again. http://tfl.nu/7o6u
  Replies (8) Good night (5133) Bad night (580)
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now

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  (847): Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now http://tfl.nu/tfy2
  Replies (2) Good night (1746) Bad night (812) Order T-Shirt
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  (709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

  She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.

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  (709): She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it. http://tfl.nu/7xo2
  Replies (26) Good night (330) Bad night (4142) Order T-Shirt
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  (949): View more from California

  i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.

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  (949): i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole. http://tfl.nu/wmi4
  Replies (37) Good night (360) Bad night (2897) Order T-Shirt
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.

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  (307): Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt. http://tfl.nu/gd2e
  Replies (11) Good night (633) Bad night (4060) Order T-Shirt
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  (760): View more from California

  The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.

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  (760): The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper. http://tfl.nu/pbch
  Replies (11) Good night (758) Bad night (6221) Order T-Shirt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life

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  (847): Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life http://tfl.nu/jn6o
  Replies (18) Good night (6379) Bad night (711) Order T-Shirt
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.

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  (540): You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened. http://tfl.nu/x4ak
  Replies (2) Good night (2323) Bad night (531) Order T-Shirt
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself

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  (905): i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself http://tfl.nu/s870
  Replies (6) Good night (3259) Bad night (791) Order T-Shirt
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers

  (1-205): View more from Alabama

  yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....

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  (205): woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers (1-205): yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness.... http://tfl.nu/wnn7
  Replies (61) Good night (10108) Bad night (503)
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.

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  (662): My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room. http://tfl.nu/yex2
  Replies (5) Good night (1287) Bad night (597) Order T-Shirt
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.

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  (703): I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform. http://tfl.nu/4ptq
  Replies (8) Good night (3097) Bad night (451) Order T-Shirt
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.

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  (440): yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything. http://tfl.nu/2obm
  Replies (3) Good night (2656) Bad night (478)
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series

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  (402): Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series http://tfl.nu/c4pq
  Replies (13) Good night (2784) Bad night (718) Order T-Shirt
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  (585): View more from New York

  they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too

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  (585): they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too http://tfl.nu/0m73
  Replies (6) Good night (3022) Bad night (503) Order T-Shirt
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  (323): View more from California

  He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated

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  (323): He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated http://tfl.nu/z16t
  Replies (7) Good night (2809) Bad night (591) Order T-Shirt
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  (940): View more from Texas

  An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.

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  (940): An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese. http://tfl.nu/bzrb
  Replies (7) Good night (3001) Bad night (590)
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon

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  (720): Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon http://tfl.nu/1u8n
  Replies (12) Good night (3634) Bad night (587) Order T-Shirt
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.

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  (704): I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it. http://tfl.nu/goy6
  Replies (13) Good night (3836) Bad night (990) Order T-Shirt
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out

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  (678): Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out http://tfl.nu/g5nx
  Replies (9) Good night (3973) Bad night (592) Order T-Shirt
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  (512): View more from Texas

  we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja

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  (512): we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja http://tfl.nu/0h0h
  Replies (9) Good night (4705) Bad night (493) Order T-Shirt
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.

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  (+61): yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status. http://tfl.nu/4c5v
  Replies (26) Good night (519) Bad night (3491)
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.

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  (301): He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired. http://tfl.nu/1pq9
  Replies (29) Good night (4897) Bad night (716) Order T-Shirt
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.

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  (701): First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to. http://tfl.nu/orps
  Replies (9) Good night (2612) Bad night (1149) Order T-Shirt
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)

  (1-775): View more from Nevada

  Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.

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  (775): I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;) (1-775): Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city. http://tfl.nu/zbb5
  Replies (14) Good night (4472) Bad night (436) Order T-Shirt
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.

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  (256): I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self. http://tfl.nu/pw1v
  Replies (5) Good night (4256) Bad night (615) Order T-Shirt
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

  (440): View more from Ohio

  Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

  (216): View more from Ohio

  Holy shit r u serious? How?

  (440): View more from Ohio

  Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

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  (216): Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks. (440): Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf? (216): Holy shit r u serious? How? (440): Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you. http://tfl.nu/xwoo
  Replies (156) Good night (6143) Bad night (39426)
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  (607): View more from New York

  Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.

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  (607): Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day. http://tfl.nu/b0xj
  Replies (29) Good night (32212) Bad night (840) Order T-Shirt
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  (713): View more from Texas

  I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

  (512): View more from Texas

  babe, don't say it like that!

  (713): View more from Texas

  I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

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  (713): I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight. (512): babe, don't say it like that! (713): I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening. http://tfl.nu/iuma
  Replies (137) Good night (36757) Bad night (1052)
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....

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  (443): We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich.... http://tfl.nu/i7fe
  Replies (99) Good night (36577) Bad night (945) Order T-Shirt
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?

  (1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

  you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911

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  (570): why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds? (1-570): you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911 http://tfl.nu/vzb8
  Replies (107) Good night (38279) Bad night (1593)
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Tie

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  (201): I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet (908): I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building (201): Tie http://tfl.nu/a5wy
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  (915): View more from Texas

  I told you I was good to drive

  (1-915): View more from Texas

  dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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  (915): I told you I was good to drive (1-915): dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate http://tfl.nu/7qaj
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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  (757): At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP." http://tfl.nu/p091
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

  (1-847): View more from Illinois

  How was it?

  (847): View more from Illinois

  Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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  (847): I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me. (1-847): How was it? (847): Fantastic, but that's not the point. http://tfl.nu/muuk
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