Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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