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we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
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