the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Randomize
