walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"