how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I want to stick my p in your. b.
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
At least make sure they are 18
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
These 17 Parents Decided to Cut Contact With Their Horrible Kids
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I hate ducks.
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
I told him it was alright.
I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.