not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Dating After Heartbreak
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot