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All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i would punch a child for taco bell
That arnold schwarzeneger picture looks strikingly similar to paul
Not half as good looking as paul
I'd say paul has bigger bicep peaks, but who am I to judge
I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
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