and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
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He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
only you would photoshop your dick
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
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She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911