I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
