Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She liked it
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
and technically it was a rebound
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...
In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...